WHAT'S GOOD PUNK ROCKERS. Colin Atrophy here, signing in for MRR column number whateverthefuck. I'm still in love jail and haven't really been paying any attention to anything in my life besides that so I'm TOTES UNPREPARED to write this month. This makes two in a row, and makes me a Bad Columnist but a good Former Teen Bouncing Souls Fan. Forsake everything for the sake of the crush.
So I dunno, I guess I'll just catch you up on my life, since this is my livejournal. I quit smoking after 18 years like, 6 weeks ago as of this writing and a little over 2 months ago by the time you read this. It's fucking crazy for me because loving smoking has been such a huge part of my identity for like, EVER. Like one time me and Good Kid Paulie were out oogling in New England and we showed up at Caroline Paquita and Mikey Hotsauce's house in Providence and were drinking some beers in the kitchen and I was getting ready to step outside and smoke. Caroline was like, "Colin, why don't you cut that out?" and I was like, "grrrl, for real, smoking is the thing I enjoy most in my life. Like, if I were to estimate, I'd say I've probably smoked like, 50,000 cigarettes to date and out of those 50,000 I can remember maybe 30 that I didn't totally enjoy. Do you understand those odds? I don't think I've completely, unselfconsciously enjoyed that much of the sex I've had. I don't think I even like punk music that much!"
Anyways, I quit smoking. Mostly it was because I wanted to try Wellbutrin and I knew the doctor would give it to me if I said I was quitting smoking, but then I was like, “maybe I should try actually quitting.” Wellbutrin scene report: kinda speedy for the first couple days, made me feel like a super hero but made my therapist genuinely worried about me. Eventually it leveled out and I just felt regular and not better or worse than I had before. Questioned whether I even needed it in the first place (I don’t) and slowly tapered off, which made me super irritable but was ultimately also pretty non-eventful. Final verdict: rocketship, swirly lollipop, eyes looking left, see no evil monkey, lady flipping her hair.
But also what happened is that I got this gnarly flu and only smoked once a day for like three or four days and I didn’t even enjoy any of them and then I was out to dinner with my mom and I mentioned to her that I was considering quitting and it made her so excited that I had to actually give it an honest shot. Speaking of my mom, she turns 60 this month. HBD, ma. Thanks for helping me turn out just fucked up enough that I’m still punk in my 30s, but not fucked up enough that I’m dead or like, unmanageably sad all the time. Mazel tov emoji, birthday cake, princess, lady in the pink shirt looking kinda sad but not unmanageably so, twins dressed like dancing bunnies, ghost with his tongue out. Mazel tov emoji is the one that’s like, a horn with confetti flying out. I call it that because I always put it next to “Mazel Tov” when I Mazel Tov someone on the internet or in text message. This is truly riveting stuff, huh? Real muckraking.
But yo, quitting smoking when you actually want to isn’t that hard, I guess. I also started running too, and since I recently started singing in a band for the first time in ages, what I do is, I listen to records on my headphones and I scream along with them while I run around my neighborhood. This is endurance training both for screaming and for running. If you ever see a person running through Queens wearing one of those Seth Hunx “Suffering From PMS (Putting Up With Men’s Shit)” t-shirts and screaming the lyrics to STREET PUNX by THE PIST, that’s me and you should say hi, I absolutely don’t mind getting interrupted.
ALSO if I see you and try and bum a cigarette from you, just let me have it. You’re not fucking up my quitting. I’ve smoked one cigarette a week since I quit with no signs that I’m gonna smoke more. And like, maybe you think this means I haven’t really quit but whatever, after smoking for 18 years getting down to just one cigarette a week is pretty awesome so whatever. Cigarette, cherub, smiling doodoo, shrimp tempura.
ENDNOTES: I just went to Austin for the first time and I want to say that I’m super excited about this band Feral Future. Tough as fuck queerdo babes making robust punk music. I been jamming their bandcamp page through my bicycle speaker pretty hard lately. Also I went and saw that band Institute at a tamale restaurant that has punk shows after they close and my Baby Punx of Austin scene report is that I couldn’t tell if it was the fog machines or the teens vaping. Institute is good but you already knew that, and also having punk shows in a closed restaurant is always cool but you also knew that too. All in all I give Austin 3 thumbs up, 1 sunglass face, one heart eyes because my dream babe lives there, and one dog face for her awesome dog.
Have you read the new COMETBUS about my friend SUE JEIVEN dealing with her terminal illness? I haven’t yet even though Aaron gave me one, because I keep trying to read it on the subway and every time I pick it up I start crying and I don’t like crying on the subway so then I stop. But I’m really happy it exists and one day I’ll be able to finish it and you should get it because Sue is a super important person and has done a lot for punk and she deserves to be seen and heard.
Finally, I’m considering that now that I quit smoking I might want to get swole. Do you have any tips for that? Send them to me at email@example.com or Colin Atrophy
/ 442-D Lorimer St #230 / Brooklyn, NY 11206. Also I would never suggest that you mail me pills or anything because that would be illegal, but I will say that just because I don’t drink anymore doesn’t mean I don’t like to eat a couple percocets and watch Seinfeld for an entire half a day. Creepy winking tongue out smiley face. Okay, that’s it. NO COPS NO CREEPS PEACE IN THE PIZZERIA WE ARE THE PUNX ATROPHY OUT.